bits & pieces to soak in.

gardenofdemons:

The promise of palm trees, and the naive temptations of being a “hollywood star,” swept me up with the winds and left me stranded alone out in the driest deserts under the hottest Christian sun.

Parched. I was begging for water.
Dumb. I went for the oceans.
Rescued. I found knowledge and drowned in its waves.

Screaming for justice,
swallowing idealogies,
and choking on my anonymity:
I found myself in the arms of queer feminist activism.

Who knows what real good I am doing?
I will never again be fooled into thinking that I’m a “good person.”

I’m far from good.
In fact, I am gorged with selfishness.
And I’m coming to terms with this tragic realization every day.
It’s every wo/man for themselves and the sooner we admit it
the closer we step towards freedom.

Surrounded by individualism,
and tacky white girl fashionistas,
I cried until there were no more tears.
(And I learned that tears don’t save the world.)

Lost in a sea of ugly,
delusional, self-absorbed
people, I shook hands with loneliness and uncoiled my hopes.

Above all this beautiful bullshit,
I finally found some gems,
glistening on the sidewalks
as they cat-walked into my life;
looking me in the eye and bristling
with authentic empathy.—

—It really is excruciating,
extracting my foundations
and rebuilding them with wet clay and uncertainty:
I don’t believe in God. I don’t believe in grace.
I don’t believe in soul mates or eternity or even
unconditional love.

Friendships fray by degree and I know now that I’m not stupid.
A few years make a difference. They are all it takes to rip apart sanity and shred your soul in two.