incapable of articulation these days, and that is the truth.
i will paint my frustrations
with overused words and rhymes
of my incapability at success.
another drone of consumption and greed
born at your pleasure
to continue a sick cycle into our demise.
i am not worthy of a second look,
clearly, and i grew up with the intention
of bringing myself up the ladder we’re all supposed
to fit on, somehow. i was physically raised,
but my intellect was neglected to an extent.
class and race, even gender (as a female), never crossed the mind.
pathetic and disgusting to avoid these issues.
after a while, i thought i should raise myself.
it is silly and absurd to believe one can lift
themselves with no aid. it’s a white way of
thinking i want to avoid.
we all need help in different ways, and i feel
as though i’ve been catapulted into an abyss
of unknowing and evergrowing fear.
for how are any of us supposed to simply know
what to do and how to live? and shame on you
for believing that anyone is supposed to magically
survive when they are raised with a specific ignorance.
so here i lay, with the thoughts that i am better than i actually
am, buried under media consumption of other.
the only desire i was born with was the desire for diamonds
and a closet full of anything i wanted. i grew up in the TV world
where all i saw was madonna, glamour, fame.
i drowned in it, and i awake in my cave where the water
rushes by. even now i cannot explain the fear, the dread, the ignorance right.
you were there when i never needed you. life was simple.
you only want simple, i can tell. and now… i need you most.
you are nowhere to be found. and i am in a place where i cannot
place myself. i cannot see outside of myself. trapped in unworldly, mucked
conscious. clouded with unknowing, and crying as a result.
but crying is self-pity. weakness. crying is not the release i once thought it was.
i am woman. i don’t allow myself to cry. no more.
i try to be strong. i work to be strong. all i ever feel is the frail
filling up my bones, replacing my marrow. it may as well be stripped from me completely.
my feeble humanity eats at my flesh and i sit in fits, as usual.
even this declaration is a victimization of my existence.
and so you see, the vicious circle of privilege rears it’s ugly head
for the unprepared who think they have it all, when….
i am torn and i am hideous.
